This week my washing machine broke down.

The issue is not that I’m disappointed, or that I feel like I’ve been let down. I paid fifty dollars for a second hand washing machine – it was bound to have some issues. And sometimes, one man’s trash is not another man’s treasure. The thing that is playing on my mind; it isn’t something that I can repair myself. I’ve tried. I attempted to pull the filter out, to no avail. It’s stuck solid. it refuses to budge, even with pliers and a good hard yank. I’ve tried to drag it out further into the laundry so that I can take a look at what’s going on in the back of the machine -is there some errant sock lodged somewhere blocking its ability to spin and drain? I’ve poured a mixture of bi-carb soda and vinegar down the drain pipes to try and clear any blockages. But the truth of the matter, it’s broken and I can’t fix it myself.

There’s a message in this for me, and a much more complex one than a reminder to be cautious when buying something electrical off of Facebook. A washing machine agitates, it cleans and it cleanses. It dissolves and removes dirt and grime, then releases it down the drain and into the earth. My washing machine no longer spins and drains, there’s something blocking the release. My emotions have been churning, agitating but I am unable to let them go.

I spent Thursday night, sitting on the floor of my laundry, scooping the used and grimy water out of my washing machine to reduce the risk of it overflowing and flooding, to reduce the risk of the water sitting there becoming stagnant. This act represents the need for me to put in the work, to spend the time removing the grime and the dirty water within me, one scoop at a time. There’s no drain button to press where everything is flushed out mechanically and instantaneously. It takes work. It takes the conscious decision to make one scoop after another, to pour that grimy water into the sink and watch as it disappears. Sometimes, if the stain is so ingrained, it takes more than one wash, more than one turn at cleansing and clearing it. Sometimes it needs stain remover – extra help and support to remove and release it.

My frustration of being unable to repair it myself, is not aimed at my washing machine – not really. It’s target is the realisation that I have to ask for help, have to rely on others for support, to help me cleanse and release my agitated emotions. As I was sitting on my laundry floor, pulling with all my might on the filter, trying to remove it from the machine, as I poured bi-carb and vinegar down the pipes, I realised something…I can’t fix it. Sheer strength and will power doesn’t replace knowledge and experience.

Healing takes time, it takes conscious effort, one step at a time, one thing at a time. There is no quick fix, or button you can press that will clear it all away for you. It’s in repeated attempts and in trying new and different things. It’s a team effort – where reaching out for help from people who are more experienced, have more knowledge than you do, from people who can stand behind you, hands wrapped around yours and help you pull out the blockages, so that you can release all the dirt and grime from your life and fully embrace your wonderful life.