This week I’ve felt the need to withdraw, to go inward – to ‘winter’ so to speak. I am settled into my own home now, and in the words of the House of Stark, “winter is coming,” and it’s calling me to curl up under its blanket of quiet, in front of the fire with a good book and a never ending hot cuppa. One morning, while standing on duty in the playground, a father of a student told me, “winter is the time where it all goes quiet.” I feel the pull of that inside of me. The flannalette sheets are on the bed, the slippers are lined up ready to slip my feet into, the warmer clothes have begun to surface from the back of the wardrobe and the wholesome comfort foods have made an appearance on the menu and in the weekly grocery shop.

I have been busy in spite of the winter preparations, working through the resurfacing of an old friend. I thought that I had dealt with my old, nagging, persistent friend that harps on about me not being enough. But, as they tend to do, these thoughts or states of being resurface from time to time, in different forms and contexts. This time it surfaced with a vengeance, focused entirely on my studies.

If anyone knows me well, they know that I am incredibly hard on myself and perhaps it’s not surprising to hear that only receiving a pass mark for my mid-course assignment felt like a blow to my self-esteem. This (unconsciously at first) sent me into a spin of anxiety and overcompensation with my next assignment. I fell into what I can only describe as a three day hyperfocus hole of stress and fret, driven by the need to “do well,” so that I don’t fail at something that’s important to me…yet again. It was one of those things – I knew I was falling, but I didn’t understand why at the time.

This week, I had another beautiful Reiki session and the message that came through loud and clear was, “sometimes enough is enough, and you are most certainly enough.” It wasn’t until much later in the day that these words hit home and my eyes sprung a pesky leak. It was okay to just do enough to pass, enough to get through. I had put so much pressure on myself and I had literally slipped in my own mental health and well being in the process. I was on thin ice and underneath was a river of doubt and fear.

I have a long standing issue with being a student. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning and every course I take is moving me towards my future self. For me, being successful at school and getting good grades was something that earned me positive attention. It was what I had tied my identity to – my brother wasn’t the best student in the world, he was one of those boys who just needed to do school, and his success, experience and learning came within his working world. He spent a lot of time in trouble, and suspended and it caused conflict within my family. He drew his sense of self from the many sports he participated in. My identity and the sense of my own value within my family, came from being a good student. I remember the disappointment one year in high school when my mid semester report card had all A’s and one B on it. It came with a sense of shame – all of my friends were straight A students (as we do at that age, we band together for safety) and a B meant that I didn’t even match up to their standards.

I got awarded dux in English in College, which is a story I still tell with a sense of pride in my voice, a story that lifts my chin a little higher into the air. When it came to exams, I studied for weeks on end and even experienced bouts of insomnia, induced by the stress and pressure I would put on myself. Uni was tough for me, because I had to face failure – not just once, but twice and still that sense of shame washed over me and almost buried me underneath it. More recently, I had to complete my portfolio of teaching and complete it I did, so thoroughly that the Teacher’s Registration Board asked for my permission to use it as an example for those looking to undergo the process of full registration – something that I took pride in.

This week, I’ve realised that I still have my sense of value firmly attached to being an A student. As I began to unpack that in my journal my words told the story of how I held onto the belief that being a good student would make my parents proud of me, and failure would mean the opposite. Failure would bring shame and conflict. Failure directly challenges my identity and sense of self within my family system. For me, a pass mark meant that I might not be good enough to fulfil my purpose.

This upcoming unit of work is an opportunity for me to start to unpick those threads and to detach my sense of value from my academic achievement. I need to go gently with myself, I have a life that I am building, I have some healing work to do and I have to take care of myself and my own well-being. It starts with showing myself some kindness. It is okay for me to just do enough to pass, it is okay for me to hand in work that isn’t perfect and has some flaws, it is okay for me to reach out and ask for help. I need to get better at communicating what is happening for me, where I’m at and what I need, then stepping back and letting others put things into place to better support me. Those supports, those people and those resources are there if I just ask for it.

A pass mark, or even a fail, does not reduce my worth, or make me any less!