On Friday, I had a powerful and beautiful Reiki treatment with the amazing, kind and empathetic Evie from Gaia’s Light Spiritual Consultancy. While I am still processing and working through the emotions and thoughts that have been gently stirred to the surface, there’s one thing in particular that had a big impact on me. I have a team of old souls waiting for me to fully awaken to my abilities, to develop strategies to help me work through my fear so I can talk to them more often and they can wrap me in their loving and supportive energy. To be honest, there’s nothing I would love more, to be and to feel loved, to be supported, to be held and guided – to feel as if I am not alone in all of this. It’s what I’ve been seeking. And now I know that it waits for me on the other side of my fear.

I have worked at this before and I have tried to work in spite of it. But, how do you dismantle something that’s so deeply embedded in my subconscious? The ability to connect with Spirit is something that has always existed for me, but it ramped up in my teenage years. I don’t remember exactly when the man appeared at the side of my bed, but I know that it continued for years. I would snuggle into bed, with a cat tucked into the back of my legs, her purr vibrating the blankets, making me feel warm and loved. He would appear, just as I was drifting off, floating in that space of not quite asleep, but not quite awake. He was tall and thin, with a fedora sitting atop his head. I couldn’t make out any defining, specific facial features. He was shadowed, but he was completely corporeal. He watched me sleep. For a child dealing with a lot, he felt threatening, it felt like he wanted to hurt me. I would wake myself, and the rest of the house up, screaming. My Mum would come scrambling into my room to find the source of the commotion sitting up in my bed, or standing on the side of my bed as far from the man as I could possibly get without climbing out of the window. This happened night, after night, for years.

I quickly learnt that my family were not the people to talk to about this. They were already frustrated with me for disturbing their sleep, and their evenings of rest. My Mum labelled these “night terrors,” and I started to feel as if I was in trouble for having them. I was a sensitive child, full of anxiety and strangeness and my parents did not really know what to do with me. They tended to deal with me and my eccentricities with a very no nonsense, ‘suck it up and get over it,’ approach, even at times, attempting to discipline it out of me. Even as a child, I recognised their inability to relate or to understand to what I was going through. Even to this day, I think they believe I have well and truly lost my marbles.

So, I sought help in the form of a school chaplain. At the time, I truly believed he was teaching me strategies for protection. Now, with time, perhaps some wisdom and distance, I understand how the kind of help and support he had to offer me, further ingrained the fear. I believed that I needed to sleep with a cross each night and to tell the man beside my bed, “you’re not wanted here, I command you to leave.” Every time I said those words, I pushed my abilities further and further away. I believed that the man was there because he wanted to possess me, and in his possession, he would make me do things to hurt my family. I started sleeping, curled in a ball buried deep underneath the covers, with the belief that if I didn’t acknowledge him, if he couldn’t access me or see me, and I would be safe. Eventually, my awareness of the man beside my bed faded. However, I still sleep like that when I’m not feeling safe, I still wake up in the middle of the night with a chest full of fear and a heart that beats so fast, I can hear it and feel it in my ears and I am still afraid of the dark.

When I started my spiritual journey, and started to step into it and into my authentic self a little more. I began to dip my toe into this fear. I so wanted to be able to connect on a deeper level, to have the support of my guides and ancestors and to know that I was held and that I was safe. Following a particularly powerful meditation I had one question – I wanted to understand the nature of the man who once stood over me and watched me sleep, the tall shadow man who triggered such fear in me. Was he a memory, or was he something else? I booked in a one-on-one session with my mentor and he helped me to understand that the man was no demon or spirit set on possessing a rather anxious, lost and afraid teenage girl, he wasn’t intent on hurting me. He was a guide, who came to me at a time when I needed his help, love and support to navigate the complexities of my life. He guarded me in my sleep. His name was Percival and he was still in my life, still guarding and protecting me.

I have since spent some time with Percival, connecting with him, working through my fear and mistrust of him. He is a tall, thin man in his early 60’s, with white curling hair that frizzes around his ears. He dresses immaculately, in a suit and white shirt, with pointed toe shoes. He is a father figure on my spiritual team. His energy is gentle and calm and wise.

Here’s the thing, even understanding and clarity did not help me to work through my fear of connecting, my fear of my abilities. And so, only last year, I tried a different approach. Once again, I turned to my mentor for advice – this time, I wanted help to work through the fear that gripped me at night. One of my strongest abilities, is my ability to dream and connect through dream, but I still woke from dreams gripped by fear, with that same racing heart, laboured breath and exploding chest. He told me to use a somatic technique he’d taught us, to work through the memory related to the fear. And, I really did try, but to no avail. I think, the fear is so reinforced within my subconscious it’s like trying to pull an individual thread from an intricately woven tapestry. I need to figure out a way to convince my subconscious that I am safe, I am protected, that this…this thing that I can do and connection that I have is not wrong or hurtful – that it’s beautiful, loving and okay.

I have been in a position where I have had the opportunity to guide parents who are raising children with abilities. One parent came to me and asked me what she should do, her daughter was having conversations with her grandmother, long passed, whom she had never met. Recently, another parent asked me what to do with her son, who had made a comment about having another mother from the life before this one, a life where he had died. My advice – don’t instil fear. Ask gentle questions, let the young person talk and be honest about what’s happening for them, be open and hold space. Please, do not approach it in a way that makes the young person feel as if there’s something wrong with them. I’ve given advice on teaching children how to protect themselves, with white light, but also with crystals in the form of jewellery. I don’t want any one to have to navigate fear and misunderstanding, I don’t want anyone to have to unravel deeply ingrained fear of something that is very much a part of who they are.

In the mean time, I will continue searching for the key to unlock a door that’s been closed by fear. I am all to aware that what I have been seeking is waiting for me on the other side. I now have a renewed sense of hope that it might be possible for me.