There were so many possible blog posts that I could have chosen to write this week, but I thought I would focus on something that has played a huge role in my week and a situation that I am going to need to navigate moving forward. I’m sharing in the hopes that you will find something in it for you.

I feel as if I am going through the process of coming back to myself. Perhaps ironically, one of the reasons for my move to Queensland was because I felt like I was really struggling to find my sense of self here. I was questioning whether I really enjoyed the pass-times I engaged in outside of work, or whether I was caught in a cycle of doing them because they were what defined my family. I struggled with a shifting of values, which changed my ideas and beliefs around something that I used to love and enjoy. I even struggled with questioning my purpose and felt a little horizonlessness in regards to what it is I was supposed to be bringing to the world.

But, when I first moved to Queensland, I really struggled to find my place. I was fighting with a loss of my sense of self, a loss of identity as a teacher, a loss of my understanding of who I was. I remember telling my mentor in a coaching call that I felt “small.” His response – “what do you need to do in order to feel big?” The answer was in coming home – physically, but also coming home to the things that made me feel like me. Now that I’m physically home, I have slowly started to reconnect with playing lawn bowls, visiting the places where I feel a deeply, profound connection, and with my joy of learning. I have started to weave together the me I am now, and the me I was when I left and that sense of feeling “small” has started to fade, in fact, last weekend while playing bowls, I noticed a swagger in my step and a feeling of having my head held high.

One of the spaces I’ve been tentatively dipping my toe into again is the paranormal world. In 2019, I stepped into that world and it quickly became a space for me to learn, to grow and to play. It introduced me to energy, to mediumship, to travel and exploration of my home state, to a group of friends who saw and experienced the world differently. I became a tour script writer, event photographer, volunteer and researcher. However, as my spiritual journey progressed, my values and beliefs changed and shifted and I began to question my own place in that space. I went in search of a more authentic connection. This led to a very complex and emotional break in my friendship group, which came very close to breaking me.

This week, Universe has chosen to bring this to the forefront. I ran into one of those past friends at our school swimming carnival. I physically watched as she did a double take. I stood on the side of the pool debating whether or not to say hello. I chose to stay amongst the silence which had stretched between us. Not a day later, I stumbled upon a series of comments on a new Facebook post, clearly and subtly aimed at me. I felt my fight impulse rising – I was angry and felt disrespected which made me want to defend myself. I took a breath, and in that slow release of air, I decided to wait.

Time allowed me to understand how my actions within the way the friendship came to an end, has given rise to misunderstanding. At the time of disconnection, my choices implicated me as the villain in their story and I chose not to explain or communicate my need to create some space between myself and the paranormal world. I simply took it. Time also gave me perspective – I do not need to attend every argument I’m invited to. I had the power of choice – if I responded, it would satisfy the need within me to defend my name, but it would spark conflict where conflict has lain dormant for a few years now. Silence is a powerful answer. Silence is a choice to not place my energy into a situation that doesn’t serve me, and isn’t positive or good for me. Instead, yesterday, I decided to comment on the content of the post itself. It lets those people involved know that I was present in the community and I’d seen their comments, but I choose not to engage in them. I take my own path, and not the path I’ve been invited to walk down.

Learning how to navigate situations where you feel disrespected, or that feel unfair, or cause a rise in your inner fight response is tricky. I’m not going to pretend the comments didn’t hurt – it’s why my initial response was to bite back. But, the bite back while those feelings of anger and hurt are still fresh, is rarely productive. I’ve had many moments where I’ve reacted instantly, and have found myself in an even bigger hole, nursing a bigger wound. There’s a skill in learning to pause, and in knowing when to react. There’s skill in knowing when to choose silence and in learning how to react. It only comes with experience and self-awareness – understanding when your beliefs, values and boundaries have been impacted upon to the point where you need to step in for yourself.

I’ve been reminded of something over the course of my homecoming – what other think of you is none of your business. Let them think negatively about you. Let them paint a picture of you as the bad guy in their story. Let them see things differently and feel differently about certain situations. Then let me take a moment and decide whether and how to respond. And, if and when I do respond, remember two things; the person I see is often not the person they are and people’s insecurities are often very loud, while confidence is much quieter.

Often the emotion behind their actions and words is a mask for something. The person you see in front of you, is not the person they are. That anger could be a mask for disappointment, for a sense of insecurity, for hurt, for frustration, but all you see in front of you are comments designed to seek you out and bury deep like an arrow to a target.

Instead, choose not to give them a bigger target, choose not to be a target at all. They will soon realise their efforts aren’t yielding the intended results.