How are you? This time of the year can be difficult for many people, so I am genuinely asking. I’m genuinely interested to hear about how you are travelling through the ups and downs of the Christmas period.

Personally, the roller coaster of life has continued to speed through the twists and turns and the ups and downs and this week has been one of those weeks where I have experienced it all. As turbulent as this week has been, it has also been a week of learning.

Have you heard of the Let Them Theory? It has been something that has resonated with me for a while now, but had never really clicked into place until yesterday, when I participated in a two hour workshop led by Mel Robbins. Mel is host of the Mel Robbins Podcast and is a New York Time best selling author. She has written a book on the Let Them Theory and this week, she hosted a free workshop for those who pre-ordered her book.

The Let Them Theory is a way for you to set boundaries for yourself, and to detach from the emotional turmoil of ruminating, stressing, and worrying about the things that aren’t within your control. It’s a way for you to claim your power back!

The Let Them Theory states that if you give your power, time and energy to something that’s out of your control, you are robbing yourself of the power that you do have. If a friend doesn’t want to spend time with you – Let Them. If your family is disappointed that you won’t be joining them from Christmas dinner – Let Them. If you come home from work and your teenager is in a bad mood – Let Them. If your adult child chooses to buy something that you think is a waste of money – Let Them. If you want to get pizza for dinner, but your partner wants steak and veggies – Let Them. If a friend wants to spend a weekend in their own space – Let Them. The point is, we spend so much time worrying about what other people are doing and investing our energy into navigating decisions based on other people’s moods and emotions, that we sacrifice our own peace of mind.

Let Them is the first step. The next step is Let Me. Let Me, reminds you of how much power you do have in any given scenario. You have control over what you think, feel, do and don’t do. For example, if a friend doesn’t want to spend time with you – Let Them – them Let Me remind myself that this is an opportunity to enjoy my own company and really do something that I love to do, something that makes me happy.

Yesterday’s workshop briefly covered ways in which you can use the Let Them Theory to live a more peaceful life.

• When managing stress – You let things beyond your control stress you out, and drain your time and energy. Time and energy that you can use to pursue your goals and dreams.
• You allow what other people think to stop you from living the life that you deserve. Let Them think negative thoughts, Let Them judge.
• You allow other people’s emotional reactions to dictate your decisions. Let Them be upset with you, Let them be in a bad mood. Let Them be disappointed.
• You allow other people’s success to paralyse us. Let Them be successful!
• You pressure other people to change, which only creates resistance to change. Let Them struggle. Let Them change in their own time.
• In helping someone who is struggling, you are unknowingly preventing them from finding their strength to face their own challenges.
• With love and the relationships in your life, you have been accepting less than you deserve.

There are a few situations where the Let Them Theory doesn’t apply, and these need mentioning as well. If someone is doing something dangerous or discriminating against someone, do not allow it to keep happening. When you need to ask for something, or need to advocate for your own rights. There are times where we have to use our own voice to get what we need. And, do not allow someone to continuously cross your boundaries. Communicate your boundaries, back off and Let Them. Their behaviour tells you exactly who they are and where you sit in their list of priorities. Then come back to Let Me. Let Me decide how to react or to respond. Let Me decide whether this is something I can accept in my life.

Let Them creates a boundary between you and other people. It creates distance to protect your time and energy. Let Me, creates a boundary for yourself, which allows you to stop hurting yourself. Let other people be themselves, Let Them show you who they are, then you can make a decision based on what you need and on your own values. The thing that really hit home about this for me yesterday was when Mel said in her podcast on the Let Them Theory, “don’t engage in an emotional tug of war with the people in your life. Observe people’s emotions, Let Them have them, then let yourself off the hook, because it’s not your responsibility to make sure that other people are happy and okay. It’s your responsibility to make sure that you are happy and okay.”

This is a mistake that I make frequently – letting other people’s emotions have an impact on me. It was a reminder that other people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. They are only capable of showing up as they are right now. So, allow them to be themselves, to show you who they are, so that you can decide whether that’s what you need or what you’re willing to accept in your life.

I have already started implementing this theory in my life. Yesterday, I needed to go out and do some Christmas shopping. The shops at this time of the year have always been difficult for me. They are busy. People are running around, frantic, they’re stressed, they’re pressed for time and their frustration spills out all of the place. I got to the shopping centre and couldn’t find a car park. I was in a line of cars driving circles around the car park waiting for someone else to pull out. I found my anxiety, my stress, my frustration rising, and instead of letting the wave crash over me, I said Let Them – Let Them take their time. Let Them drive around and around until an empty space appears. Let other people get angry and frustrated. Let Them! Then Let Me remember to take deep breaths. Let Me remember that I am not in a hurry and that other people’s emotions are their own – they don’t need to have an impact on me.

Eventually, I found a car park and went inside. It was hectic and there were people everywhere, but I found that I was busy minding my own business and focusing on me and what I needed, instead of worrying about what other people were doing. The anxiety quietened. I got what I came for and other people’s emotions didn’t impact my day.

I am making a commitment to using the Let Them Theory more often and more consistently in my day and in my life, across many aspects of my life. The area that this will have the most impact is in my friendships and relationships with people. I made the statement last week, that I felt as if I was powerless, but this gives me back my power. I am not responsible for managing other people’s emotions. I have no control over someone else’s behaviour, their feelings or their emotions. Let them! So that I can then decide how I want to proceed based on my needs and values. The time and energy that I use worrying and stressing over someone else’s emotional reactions, distracts me from pursuing my own goals, and dreams, distracts me from doing the things that I need to do for myself and that isn’t a sacrifice I’m willing to make any more.